Now on Netflix Streaming: Horror Movies

***This is a public service announcement***

Young filmmakers, people with lots of money and little talent, and hot-shots that are trying to impress a girl, always say: “Let’s make a horror movie. It’s easy to make a horror movie.”

Well, its easy to make a BAD horror movie! 

That fact is quite evident by the amount of streaming & steaming crap offered on Netflix streaming. I’ve decided to save you all some trouble and review a whole bunch of horror films that have recently been in my Netflix queue.  Many of these, I could not even watch for more than 30 minutes and had to turn them off, lest I turn to stone.

From now on, when you see: ***This is a public service announcement*** – it will be followed by a bunch of one-sentence reviews that will help you clear your queue easily, without having to watch all the dreadful horror releases on the market.

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So, without further delay:

***This is a public service announcement***

The Amityville Haunting (2011) - not to get confused with The Amityville Horror releases and remake, this low-z clone is a real snoozer.

Nine Dead (2010) – A bunch of peeps trapped in a room are killed one by one unless they can figure out some dumb puzzle in this SAW Clone.

A Haunting in Salem (2011) - you would think a film with ’Haunting’ and ’Salem’ in the title would be good – you think wrong.

Death of a Ghost Hunter (2007) - found footage film of a murder house investigation with annoying narration over the entire film, obnoxious titles (time stamp/dates/places) plus the film explains every type of ghost, haunting, and electronic ghost-hunting device, as if we haven’t seen one of the 200 shows on television that have already explained all that!

A Dead Calling (2006) - I was excited to see this after seeing Bill Moseley’s performance in House of a Thousand Corpses but my excitement was quickly deflated in this go nowhere, hot-air balloon.

Bag of Bones (2011) - Another hit or miss King adaptation by Mick Garris and this one is definitely a miss… by a mile!

The Skeleton Key (2005) - A rather boring ghost story starring, Kate Hudson, covers the same ol’ ground every other ghost story has covered before it.

   

The Antichrist (2009) - What the hell am I watching here, anyway???!?!

Greystone Park (2012) - Boring like watching the grass grow, found footage film that should have stayed lost.

Demonic (2006) – After a promising opening scene, a naked snaggle-tooth demon girl killing a young couple, a group of twenty-somethings walk around the woods for 55 minutes, until the last 10 minutes of the film, when something else happens.

Parasitic (2012) - snooze.

Scourge (2008) – yawn.

Ghosts of Goldfield (2007) - get me the Tylenol.

Evil Remains (2004) - forget the Tylenol, just get me a gun!

Kill Katie Malone (2010) - a bunch of people talk, a bunch of people die, but
nothing is scary… viewer scratches head?!?!

2 Headed Shark Attack (2012) - Scy-Fy channel fodder, shut off after the bikini scene with Carmen Electra J if you can make it that far. The only thing worse than a bad CGI shark is a really bad CGI scuba diver swimming away from it.

King Of The Lost World (2005) - My question after 40 minutes; you do plan on
having a giant gorilla… in your giant gorilla movie, don’t you?

House II: The Second Story (1987) - bad 80′s haircuts in this bad 80′s sequel.

Hellgate (1989/1990) - What happens when you mix, a carnival, Horshak from Welcome Back Carter, 1950′s cars, nudity, and dead people with bad make-up? I don’t know but it sure does suck!

House (2008) - not the 1986′s ‘House,’ a different house (I know, I was disappointed, too!), with a lot of driving…fast-mo driving to nowhere, I mean… to a house.

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And, in the interest of fair play, I offer this:

Films on Netflix streaming that you should watch (if you haven’t already), decent enough for the one time watch or because they are worthy of repeated viewing.

Some titles are linked to my reviews and related articles on Parlor of Horror.

Good views:

The Fourth Kind, Reanimator, Troll Hunter, The Faculty, Super 8, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, The Dead Zone, The Devil’s Rock, Relic, Mimic, Species, Cool World (animated), The Crow, Slither, Apartment 143, House (1986), The Theater Bizarre, Darkness Falls, Carrie…

The nail salon now offers belly botton cleaning…

you should cut back on the caffine…

That don’t look like a shark -

I see something! Wait, I’m looking in the wrong place…

This Bites!

Nice Don King hair doo!

What’s that black fuzz at the top of my TV screen?

Couldn’t even make it this far into the film :(

Willie Nelson announces his final,final, farewell tour!

And, one last gratuitous shot of Carmen Electra in a bikini :0

The Occupant (2011) – movie review

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The Occupant (2011)
I enjoyed this for the one time watch but wouldn’t purchase it for repeated views. That doesn‘t mean it‘s a bad movie, I actually enjoyed it. A young man, Danny Hill, has a chance to assume his grandmother’s rent controlled apartment in NYC ($600 a month!), shortly after she passes away. His lawyer tells him not to leave the apartment, under any circumstance, until the court order goes through. With help from the weird doorman, Joe, he’s holed up in the apartment as strange events begin to take place. Lights wink on and off at odd hours, personal belongings go missing, the walls make noise, his cat goes missing. All this convinces Danny that someone is entering the place while he sleeps and is screwing with his head. But who is it? The Landlord? The strange doorman? His lawyer? His ‘love interest’ that he hasn’t seen for days? It’s a real who dun it and kept me guessing right ‘til the end.

Bottom line: See it, but don’t buy it.

Horns – by Joe Hill – Book Review

Horns
by Joe Hill

People often wake up with problems on their mind but not like this. Iggy Perrish wakes one morning to an unusual dilemma, overnight he has grown horns out of his head, just above his temples. What makes it worse; the horns make anyone in his presence need to confess their darkest secrets, subconscious desires, and most horrible sins. Would you really want your friends and family telling you these things? To complicate matters further, Iggy’s long time girlfreind, Merrin, had been murdered recently and although Ig was cleared of wrongdoing legally, he can now see (and hear) that everyone thinks he is guilty.

Joe Hill reading his book

Ig soon realizes that, even with concrete proof of his innocence, the town’s people are not going to change their opinion of him; in their eyes he is a murderer. Ig decides he will find Merrin’s killer for her sake and for his own satisfaction. He begins to burn bridges and step on toes in town with no care about his own outcome. However, the murderer does not want to be exposed and aggressively counters Ig’s efforts with a special talent of his own.This is a very interesting concept and angle in horror fiction. It brings up some serious questions about family and religion without being preachy. It is an intriguing story with strong characters, one of the best horror fiction books I’ve read this year.

We will be treated to the film version of Horns, later this year.

Directed by Alexandre Aja and starring Daniel Radcliffe as Ig Perrish, IMDb reports that the movie is in post-production with an October 2013 release date.
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Radcliffe will play Ig Perrish in the upcoming film, HORNS!

Guest Post at Vic’s Movie Den

Check out my Guest Blogger Post over at Vic’s Movie Den

“My Top-5 Non-Horror films of the 1970′s”

Since this was a non-horror list, Vic was nice enough to post it on his site. he did a fantastic job, (as always) finding pics and trailers for all the chosen films.

Thanks Vic

Hide Here! Rooms Least Likely to Get You Killed

GUEST BLOG POST: Eddie D. Shackleford

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Our homes are our sanctuaries.  They are where we go to relax, keep our belongings, and most importantly, protect ourselves from the terrors outside. Unfortunately, it’s hard to do the latter when horror movie killers, creatures, and other things that go bump in the night decide to make themselves welcome in our homes.  Once inside, they leave victims few places to hide.

Here are the rooms of the typical house which will give you the best chance of survival—from the worst to the best—should you find yourself in the company of a threatening, unwelcome guest in your home.

6. Bedroom
Topping off the list as the room with probably the most death tolls in all of horror cinema is the bedroom.  It’s a tasty choice for many a killer because it’s the usual place we go when we are at our most vulnerable—sleepy time.  Killers know that while we’re sawing logs we’re oblivious to their creaking footsteps or the ominous shadow they cast over our bed.

Friday the 13^th

Source: http://www.thehollywoodnews.com

For those actually lucky enough to be awake, the bedroom is also home to the ever popular hiding under the bed or in the closet.  Bad move.  You can expect the menace to thoroughly check both of those spots, if they didn’t crawl out of one of them to begin with.

Movie: Poltergeist

Source: http://www.maximsmadness.com

With no way of defending ourselves, the bedroom is the undisputed leader in certain death.  Sleep tight.

5. Bathroom
The bathroom is another terrible choice for several reasons.

First, people only use bathrooms to do a few things—all of which leave us exposed and defenseless.  Spooks thrive on this.  They get a kick out of being behind folks when we shut the medicine cabinet.

Movie: Psycho

Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk

Second, hiding in the bathroom leaves you trapped.  Most bathrooms have only one entrance, which, of course, is also the only way out.  Furthermore, they are generally small; leaving little range of motion should you pry off the shower rod to use as a weapon.

Movie: Dawn of the Dead

Source: http://www.joelburman.com

If you are going to use the bathroom to hide, at least check behind the shower curtain upon entering.

4. Basement/Attic
Not every home has both, so we’re lumping these two dark, cob-web-ridden rooms together.  If you do have both, that’s unfortunate.  You’ve just halved your chances of survival.

Basements and attics are, by nature, the creepiest places in the house.  They contain boxes of cursed family artifacts, possessed dolls, magic books, skeletal remains, and a hodgepodge of other things that should generally be avoided.

Movie: Insidious

Source: shotcontext.blogspot.com

Sadly, people are all too curious, snooping around despite the creaky boards, lack of light, and cats jumping out of corners—awakening demons, restless spirits, and ghouls in the process.

Movie: Evil Dead

Source: http://www.hollywood.com

If you’re going to hide in the basement or attic, just know that you’ll probably have to return there to send your killer back to the nether from whence they came.

3. Kitchen
While the Kitchen has been the scene for many grizzly deaths, it’s usually because of victim’s lack of intelligence rather than lack of resources.

For instance, though the kitchen doesn’t have much room for hiding, it provides useful tools to help combat the attacker such as knives, pans, blenders, you name it.

Movie: Gremlins

Source: http://www.cineawesome.com

Kitchens in larger homes often have multiple exit points for quick escape.  And if you’re lucky enough to have doors to the kitchen, lock them, hunker down, and wait out the killer.  You’ll have plenty of food and water.

Watch out for tile and spilled blood.  That’s a good way to slip and slow you down.

2. Garage
Should you have the chance to make it to the garage, you’re doing ok.  Not too many victims in horror have drawn their last breath in the domestic carport.  A deserved exception can be seen in Scream.

Movie: Paranormal Activity 4

Source: http://www.youtube.com

Your chances of survival improve dramatically if your power hasn’t been cut off yet, as there is a giant door ready to let you out into the free world.  If your power is out and you can’t reach the manual lever to the garage door, fear not!  The garage is essentially an armory, with weed whackers, hedge trimmers, shovels, and other makeshift weapons at your disposal.

Check out how resourceful the heroine is in Paranormal Activity 4, when trapped in the garage.  The whole series, which is probably now on demand with most cable and satellite providers, actually provides a good case study on good and bad places to hide in the home.

1. Laundry Room
If you find yourself in the laundry room during a horror movie home invasion, congratulations!  You’ve chosen the best place to hide.

Source: http://www.simplifiedbee.com

What the laundry room lacks in space and defenses, it makes up for in the sheer fact that hardly anyone would think to look there.  Plus, who wants to get all those nice linens all bathed in red?  No one, that’s who.  Not even killers and monsters.

Bonus points if you’re small enough to fit in the dryer.  Just hope the killer doesn’t turn it on.

At the end of the day, there’s a good chance none of these places will keep you safe forever.  But know that some are better than others and you should choose wisely before deciding to stake out in one.

And as for the bedroom— it’s best you just make it another laundry room.  No one will be the wiser.

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AUTHOR: Eddie D. Shackleford

 BIO: Eddie is a TV, movie and entertainment blogger for direct4TV.com.  Look to him for the scoop on hit movies and TV shows, sports, tech reviews, how-to’s, and more. You can follow Eddie @Eddie20Ford

Odds and Ends

Odds and Ends…
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From Beyond the Grave now available in trade paperback

Grinning Skull Press has just released the trade paperback version of From Beyond the Grave. As you may already know, this is a fine collection of ghostly tales. My story, ‘The Suitcase’ was accepted for the anthology and I am very happy to see it in traditional print version. You can check it out here: From Beyond the Grave

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My Amazon Author Page is now Live

Now that I have stories published in several books that are selling on Amazon.com, I was permitted to set up my own Amazon Author’s Page. Check it out here: Michael Thomas-Knight Author Page
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Did anyone see these great nights of classic horror and mythology films?

Turner Classic Movies (TCM),Thursday June, 6^th – Classic monster movies – I was flicking through the channels on Thursday night when I stumbled upon, The Bride of Frankenstein. It had just begun, so I decided to watch. Then I discovered several classic horror films were to be shown in a row. So, the night’s line-up consisted of:

The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1956)
Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)
King Kong (1933)

(side note: we are soon expecting a remake of The Creature from the Black Lagoon from Universal Pictures in 2014. It will bear a shorter title, The Black Lagoon).

Antenna TV, Saturday June 8^th – offered a great line-up of the Harryhausen /Schneer mythology movies:

Jason and the Argonauts
The Golden Voyage of Sinbad
Sinbad and The Eye of the Tiger
7the Voyage of Sinbad

After all my complaining about Television, these 2 channels put on these great movie blocks. Despite owning all of these films on DVD, I tuned in and watched these mini monster movie marathons. I wish this would happen more often. J

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Snacking on natives was always edited out of TV versions

Behind the Mask (2006) – movie review

 

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Journalist, Taylor Gentry (Angela Goethals), and her two-man video crew follow and interview a would-be slasher/serial killer named Leslie Vernon (played by Nathan Baesal). The fledgling killer shows the young reporter and crew how he sets in motion the devious act he will eventually commit. He discusses how he chooses the victim, sets the stage, creates tension and plants the seed of fear into the victim and in the whole town itself. This is all done with a “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” touch of humor, like an inside joke for fans of the genre. The movie is reminiscent of Scream where the killer discusses the whole horror movie genre but Behind the Mask offers so much more. All during the course of the movie it is as if you are in the mind of the screenwriter creating the perfect slasher screenplay. In the third act, the movie drops the discussion and interview feel and turns into a real entertaining slasher complete with surprise plot twists and character growth.

The film is directed by Scott Glosserman, who is involved with a lot of  documentaries, so it is no wonder that this film turned out to be well made. It has the feel of a documentary without the intentionally unprofessional camerawork of a found footage film. To see the ingredients of the plot laid out in such simple and chronological terms, then to have it all gel together so perfectly for the climax and finale of the film is extraordinary. It’s like a magician telling you how he will perform a trick before hand, then he does the trick and you’re still in awe of the way it turned out. I believe horror and slasher movie fans will enjoy Behind the Mask. I give it two bloody, severed thumbs up!!!