Now on Netflix Streaming: Horror Movies
***This is a public service announcement***
Young filmmakers, people with lots of money and little talent, and hot-shots that are trying to impress a girl, always say: “Let’s make a horror movie. It’s easy to make a horror movie.”
Well, its easy to make a BAD horror movie!
That fact is quite evident by the amount of streaming & steaming crap offered on Netflix streaming. I’ve decided to save you all some trouble and review a whole bunch of horror films that have recently been in my Netflix queue. Many of these, I could not even watch for more than 30 minutes and had to turn them off, lest I turn to stone.
From now on, when you see: ***This is a public service announcement*** – it will be followed by a bunch of one-sentence reviews that will help you clear your queue easily, without having to watch all the dreadful horror releases on the market.
So, without further delay:
***This is a public service announcement***
The Amityville Haunting (2011) – not to get confused with The Amityville Horror releases and remake, this low-z clone is a real snoozer.
Nine Dead (2010) – A bunch of peeps trapped in a room are killed one by one unless they can figure out some dumb puzzle in this SAW Clone.
A Haunting in Salem (2011) – you would think a film with ’Haunting’ and ’Salem’ in the title would be good – you think wrong.
Death of a Ghost Hunter (2007) – found footage film of a murder house investigation with annoying narration over the entire film, obnoxious titles (time stamp/dates/places) plus the film explains every type of ghost, haunting, and electronic ghost-hunting device, as if we haven’t seen one of the 200 shows on television that have already explained all that!
A Dead Calling (2006) – I was excited to see this after seeing Bill Moseley’s performance in House of a Thousand Corpses but my excitement was quickly deflated in this go nowhere, hot-air balloon.
Bag of Bones (2011) – Another hit or miss King adaptation by Mick Garris and this one is definitely a miss… by a mile!
The Skeleton Key (2005) – A rather boring ghost story starring, Kate Hudson, covers the same ol’ ground every other ghost story has covered before it.
The Antichrist (2009) – What the hell am I watching here, anyway???!?!
Greystone Park (2012) – Boring like watching the grass grow, found footage film that should have stayed lost.
Demonic (2006) – After a promising opening scene, a naked snaggle-tooth demon girl killing a young couple, a group of twenty-somethings walk around the woods for 55 minutes, until the last 10 minutes of the film, when something else happens.
Parasitic (2012) – snooze.
Scourge (2008) – yawn.
Ghosts of Goldfield (2007) – get me the Tylenol.
Evil Remains (2004) – forget the Tylenol, just get me a gun!
Kill Katie Malone (2010) – a bunch of people talk, a bunch of people die, but
nothing is scary… viewer scratches head?!?!
2 Headed Shark Attack (2012) – Scy-Fy channel fodder, shut off after the bikini scene with Carmen Electra J if you can make it that far. The only thing worse than a bad CGI shark is a really bad CGI scuba diver swimming away from it.
King Of The Lost World (2005) – My question after 40 minutes; you do plan on
having a giant gorilla… in your giant gorilla movie, don’t you?
House II: The Second Story (1987) – bad 80’s haircuts in this bad 80’s sequel.
Hellgate (1989/1990) – What happens when you mix, a carnival, Horshak from Welcome Back Kotter, 1950’s cars, nudity, and dead people with bad make-up? I don’t know but it sure does suck!
House (2008) – not the 1986’s ‘House,’ a different house (I know, I was disappointed, too!), with a lot of driving…fast-mo driving to nowhere, I mean… to a house.
And, in the interest of fair play, I offer this:
Films on Netflix streaming that you should watch (if you haven’t already), decent enough for the one time watch or because they are worthy of repeated viewing.
Some titles are linked to my reviews and related articles on Parlor of Horror.
The Fourth Kind, Reanimator, Troll Hunter, The Faculty, Super 8, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, The Dead Zone, The Devil’s Rock, Relic, Mimic, Species, Cool World (animated), The Crow, Slither, Apartment 143, House (1986), The Theater Bizarre, Darkness Falls, Carrie…
The nail salon now offers belly botton cleaning…
you should cut back on the caffine…
That don’t look like a shark –
I see something! Wait, I’m looking in the wrong place…
Nice Don King hair doo!
What’s that black fuzz at the top of my TV screen?
Couldn’t even make it this far into the film 😦
Willie Nelson announces his final,final, farewell tour!
And, one last gratuitous shot of Carmen Electra in a bikini :0