Now on Netflix Streaming – Horror – spring forward, 2014 edition

Now on Netflix Streaming,  Horror ! 

spring forward, 2014 edition

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*** This is a public service announcement***
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The ugly truth – stay away from these dumb and dumber ‘wanna be’ horror flix!

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)
The first scene in this film is Grizzly Adams getting his head split on a CGI lumber saw, complete with CGI blood splashing about in all its glory. Another bad CGI Syfy feature with paper cut-out characters and a lame plot.

Grim (1995)
Opening titles were done on someone’s MAC in their bedroom, circa 1995. A Ouija Board brings forth a big supernatural ape who partially possesses a woman and hides in miles of underground caves beneath a suburban town. Did you hear what I said? A supernatural Ape! (WTF?)

Bad Kids Go to Hell (2012)
Seriously? Bad kids in Saturday detention is the setting for this film. Breakfast Club copy-cat characters with a murderer among them. Yawn…

Night Vision (2011)
Aside from a raucous sex scene, this is Misery with younger, less-interesting characters and dull dialogue. Note: Watch sex-scene and remove from queue!

Believe (2000)
I tried to watch this several times and it was just blasé. Perhaps you’ll have better luck with it, but I doubt it. Features a pre-teen, Elisha Cuthbert.

Breeders (1997)
(not to get confused with Breeders – 1986) A meteor lands at a woman’s college and births a monster and a vixen. The vixen runs around in an outfit left over from the set of Mad Max. The monster plods around in a costume that is apparently too heavy for the actor to even move. No breeding or mating ever happens in this film – disappointment ensues.

Doghouse (2009)
This film wants so bad to be Shawn of the Dead. Lame jokes, lame zombies, lame movie!

Black Forest (2012)
Another low-budget film where people walk around in the woods endlessly and talk about how scary it is. The description of this flick sounds so much better than the actual film.

Dracula 3000 (2004)
Apparently, someone bought a cape at Party City and decided to build a movie around it. Clearly filmed in a submarine – not a spaceship. Coolio, this is very un-coolio!

Atrocious (2010)
Spanish found footage film with little to add to the genre, but I love when the title describes the film perfectly! Review in one word: Atrocious.

100 Ghost Street: the Return of Richard Speck (2010)
Another terrible FFFF film –  Found Footage Film Fodder. Don’t you love when they purposely bounce and shake the camera around, because no one knows – not even amateurs – that you should try and keep a camera steady when recording. Seriously, I’m getting dizzy.

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Got an Axe to grind !

Same masking effects as King Kong (1933)

Bad breakfast club copy-cat

The supernatural ape strikes again!

always happened at my school…

Should’ve gone golfing the day of the shoot.

Didn’t get a ticket for speeding 🙂

Copying a scene from Blair Witch? Really!?

This movie is very Un-Coolio

In the interest of fair-play, here are some good movies currently being offered on Netflix Streaming. Watch these instead!

Good Views:
Silence of the Lambs, Tales from the Darkside: the Movie, Dead End, Satan’s Little Helper, Trapped Ashes, ParaNorman, Darkness Falls, Pet Sematary, Devil, Fright Night (1985), Evil Dead 2, A Haunting in Connecticut, They, Creepshow 2,

And for some oldies but goodies:

Black Sabbath, The Angry Red Planet, House on Haunted Hill, and The Blood Beast Terror.

Now streaming on Netflix, the Horror, the Horror…Halloween edition

Now streaming on Netflix, the Horror, the Horror…

Halloween edition…

****This is a public service announcement****

I urge you to not waste your time on these films. I have suffered, so you can be free of bad horror film choices in your quest for Halloween viewing.

   

In Search of Lovecraft (2008) – I wasted all this time watching badly filmed, terribly acted, low quality fodder for one tentacle? That’s it? ONE DAMN TENTACLE!? That’s all we get to see?

Fear Island (2009) – I can see the damn mainland right over your shoulder, it’s a short swim. Just get off the f**king island, duh!

The Gift (2000) – A tarot card reader has a hard time in a redneck town of wife beaters, abusive parents, and drunks. Barely supernatural, mostly drama-natural.

The Skeptic (2009) – Another thriller perfect for the Hallmark Channel. A mysterious closet filled with crosses, move away and count your losses.

The Hole (2009) – Deep and dark, (get your mind outta’ the gutter). I’ll jump in the hole myself if I have to watch anymore of this G-Rated pseudo-horror. Joe Dante, I am disappointed.

Ghost from the Machine (2010) – This snooze-fest really won awards? Watch a guy fiddle with wires = entertainment?

The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012) – The title is more interesting than the film, fell asleep watching it at 1:00 in the afternoon. (and I only got up at 11:00am)

The Corridor (2010) – dudes on a long walk through the snow covered countryside get stuck in the dome, but it’s not a dome, it’s a corridor. They get nosebleeds, they complain about their crumby lives, they fly – no one knows why.

   

The Mooring (2012) – Rhymes with what? Take a guess boys and girls… Yes, that’s right, BORING.

A Haunting at Silver Falls (2013) – more horror lite for the Hallmark Channel.

The Graves (2010) – It aspires to be the Hills Have Eyes but falls way short. There’s gotta’ be some better roles for Tony Todd out there… he was Candyman damn it! At least the cleavage sisters make for some good eye-candy.

Lovely Molly (2011) – She’s not lovely, she’s crazy. After an hour and a half she kills her husband. Oh, spoiler alert, oops!

The Pumpkin Karver (2006) – horror film tip #32, if you have sucky make-up FX, don’t shoot in HD.

Fingerprints (2006) Dialogue of this film sounds like my 15 year old daughter could have written it. Four local teens go to test the theory of a local urban legend, one girl sees the ghost of a child, the rest moan and complain about it for the remainder of the movie.
  
  
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What is it? It’s a hole…

Face to Keanu ‘I’m having a bad hair day’

How are we gonna’ get off this island?

Geek squad makes a movie

They’re pointing to the remote saying, ‘change the channel’

even the actress is bored of this movie

if it looks psycho, it probably is…

We’re gonna’ scream like the girls from ‘The Descent’

Wishes he was in ‘Wrong Turn’

And, in the interest of fair play, I offer this:

Films on Netflix streaming that you could watch (if you haven’t already) – decent enough for the one time watch or because they are worthy of repeated viewing.

Good views:
The Faculty, Mimic, John Dies at the End, I Spit on Your Grave (original), Identity, Slither, Galaxy of Terror, A Shock to the System, Event Horizon, Reanimator, Tales From the Hood, Theater Bizarre, Along Came a Spider, The Prophecy, The Bay, Darkness Falls, They, Demon Knight, The Legend of Hell House, and Evil Dead 2

Related Articles:
Now on Netflix Streaming: Horror movies

Now on Netflix Streaming: Horror Movies

***This is a public service announcement***

Young filmmakers, people with lots of money and little talent, and hot-shots that are trying to impress a girl, always say: “Let’s make a horror movie. It’s easy to make a horror movie.”

Well, its easy to make a BAD horror movie! 

That fact is quite evident by the amount of streaming & steaming crap offered on Netflix streaming. I’ve decided to save you all some trouble and review a whole bunch of horror films that have recently been in my Netflix queue.  Many of these, I could not even watch for more than 30 minutes and had to turn them off, lest I turn to stone.

From now on, when you see: ***This is a public service announcement*** – it will be followed by a bunch of one-sentence reviews that will help you clear your queue easily, without having to watch all the dreadful horror releases on the market.

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So, without further delay:

***This is a public service announcement***

The Amityville Haunting (2011) – not to get confused with The Amityville Horror releases and remake, this low-z clone is a real snoozer.

Nine Dead (2010) – A bunch of peeps trapped in a room are killed one by one unless they can figure out some dumb puzzle in this SAW Clone.

A Haunting in Salem (2011) – you would think a film with ’Haunting’ and ’Salem’ in the title would be good – you think wrong.

Death of a Ghost Hunter (2007) – found footage film of a murder house investigation with annoying narration over the entire film, obnoxious titles (time stamp/dates/places) plus the film explains every type of ghost, haunting, and electronic ghost-hunting device, as if we haven’t seen one of the 200 shows on television that have already explained all that!

A Dead Calling (2006) – I was excited to see this after seeing Bill Moseley’s performance in House of a Thousand Corpses but my excitement was quickly deflated in this go nowhere, hot-air balloon.

Bag of Bones (2011) – Another hit or miss King adaptation by Mick Garris and this one is definitely a miss… by a mile!

The Skeleton Key (2005) – A rather boring ghost story starring, Kate Hudson, covers the same ol’ ground every other ghost story has covered before it.

   

The Antichrist (2009) – What the hell am I watching here, anyway???!?!

Greystone Park (2012) – Boring like watching the grass grow, found footage film that should have stayed lost.

Demonic (2006) – After a promising opening scene, a naked snaggle-tooth demon girl killing a young couple, a group of twenty-somethings walk around the woods for 55 minutes, until the last 10 minutes of the film, when something else happens.

Parasitic (2012) – snooze.

Scourge (2008) – yawn.

Ghosts of Goldfield (2007) – get me the Tylenol.

Evil Remains (2004) – forget the Tylenol, just get me a gun!

Kill Katie Malone (2010) – a bunch of people talk, a bunch of people die, but
nothing is scary… viewer scratches head?!?!

2 Headed Shark Attack (2012) – Scy-Fy channel fodder, shut off after the bikini scene with Carmen Electra J if you can make it that far. The only thing worse than a bad CGI shark is a really bad CGI scuba diver swimming away from it.

King Of The Lost World (2005) – My question after 40 minutes; you do plan on
having a giant gorilla… in your giant gorilla movie, don’t you?

House II: The Second Story (1987) – bad 80’s haircuts in this bad 80’s sequel.

Hellgate (1989/1990) – What happens when you mix, a carnival, Horshak from Welcome Back Kotter, 1950’s cars, nudity, and dead people with bad make-up? I don’t know but it sure does suck!

House (2008) – not the 1986’s ‘House,’ a different house (I know, I was disappointed, too!), with a lot of driving…fast-mo driving to nowhere, I mean… to a house.

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And, in the interest of fair play, I offer this:

Films on Netflix streaming that you should watch (if you haven’t already), decent enough for the one time watch or because they are worthy of repeated viewing.

Some titles are linked to my reviews and related articles on Parlor of Horror.

Good views:

The Fourth Kind, Reanimator, Troll Hunter, The Faculty, Super 8, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, The Dead Zone, The Devil’s Rock, Relic, Mimic, Species, Cool World (animated), The Crow, Slither, Apartment 143, House (1986), The Theater Bizarre, Darkness Falls, Carrie…

The nail salon now offers belly botton cleaning…

you should cut back on the caffine…

That don’t look like a shark –

I see something! Wait, I’m looking in the wrong place…

This Bites!

Nice Don King hair doo!

What’s that black fuzz at the top of my TV screen?

Couldn’t even make it this far into the film 😦

Willie Nelson announces his final,final, farewell tour!

And, one last gratuitous shot of Carmen Electra in a bikini :0

Sour Grapes, spit ‘em out! – movie reviews

Sour Grapes, spit ‘em out! – movie reviews

A list of bad movies I’ve seen recently – and short reviews on each film. Some of these are not too bad but have some major problems in them.

Of course, this is just my opinion. Actual results may vary.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)
This is another film that would have been better as a half hour episode of the Twilight Zone or perhaps an hour long MOH. The paradoxical and enigmatic ending was so damn good, too bad it had such a sucky movie attached to it. A group of investigators decide to follow the path that led to a whole town disappearing in the 1940’s. When they set off on this trail into the deep woods of New Hampshire, things get creepy. Compasses don’t work and they can’t get their baring from the stars. They hear music from the 1940’s somewhere in the distance but never reach it. The group begins to break down emotionally and fights break out. Eventually they are murdering each other. It sounds pretty good, right? Well, it was dragged out for so long before anything happened that the suspense turned to boredom and I lost interest. Trim 40 minutes of this film, in particular, the endless walking and stupid bickering, and get back to me- I‘ll put it on my like list.

The Innkeepers (2011)
The deliberate pacing and retro-style that worked so well for Ti West in House of the Devil fell flat here. We are left with a long-winded yarn that makes one yawn, about a new nightshift worker at the Yankee Peddler Inn. It was like watching an episode of Seinfeld without the comedy. We watch the clerk engage in mundane dealings like, ordering diner, fiddling around on her laptop, talking on the phone and doing laundry. There are a few creepy scenes here and there but not nearly enough to sustain a full-length movie. Finally, the ghost does appear but she’s not so scary and the ambiguous ending leaves you wanting more. Maybe the ghost killed the girl, maybe she died because of her own imagination causing an asthma attack; by that time, I really didn’t care either way.

Feast II (2008)
The characters in this film are so badass and cool … actually, they’re ridiculous and un-empathetic. I couldn’t care less if they lived or died. Does this director think he’s Tarantino? Only Tarantino (and perhaps a few others) can create bad-guy characters that are so charismatic you wind up liking them. That was what they tried to do in this film and failed miserably. What a waste of time.

Altered (2006)
Oh, I get it. This is a horror/alien/comedy/revenge style movie with a group of guys trying to strike back at the alien that killed their friend many years ago. They tie it up and keep it captive in the garage while they decide exactly what they should do next, unfortunately, they don’t do anything but argue about it. I got a good idea, they should turn on a TV and change the channel, so we can all watch something different.

Inkubus (2011)
A guy walks into the police precinct and confesses to a horrific murder(I know sounds like a bad joke; A guy walks into a bar…). There is some good intellectual banter in this film – sharp dialogue between the suspect and the detectives assigned to the murder. It is enjoyable to see Robert Englund in a role without all the make-up. Unfortunately, this film starts off strong but goes nowhere. What is the deal with this character? He is supposed to be some kind of demon but he disappears and reappears with a white spark and flash. I felt like I was watching Bewitched or Tinkerbell. You couldn’t make some fire and black smoke effects? Also, an incubus (and/or succubus) is a demon that is sexual in nature. Anyone that knows anything about horror knows that. It’s like they picked the title for this film out of a hat, regardless of whether or not it had anything to do with the film. What, was Werewolf taken?

Bad Dog! Gotta’ put ‘em down! – movie reviews

A list of bad movies I’ve seen recently:

I was wondering why I have reviewed so little movies recently, despite the fact that I watch 2 or 3 movies per week. Then I realized that not many of them are any good. They’re not bad enough to motivate me into a tirade but not good enough to inspire me to write about them. Anyways, here’s the list, and the skinny on each film.

Just to be warned, the DVD box covers and posters are scarier than the films. Naturally, this is just my opinion, actual results may vary.

Hollow (2012)
There is no reason for it to be a found footage film; the story could have been told more effectively without all the shaky camera and POV. Even among FF films it was sub-par – the shots cut every 8 seconds – are you telling me someone videotaping is going to have that many cuts in their footage? No way! There is a giant old tree with a legend/back-story on this young woman’s family property – something about the spirit in the tree makes people commit suicide. I wanted to commit suicide about halfway through this movie.

Intruders (2012)
This started out decent, a reaper looking entity stalking a young boy in his apartment in Spain. Then we switch to a family in England and a little girl seeing the same entity. Then the film switches back and forth a half dozen times between these two stories with no explanation. The suspense and creepiness established in the 1^st scene falls by the wayside… so does my patience. Didn’t get to the end. Fell asleep, then turned it off. Never looked back.

Let Me In (2010)
A young boy, who is often bullied, is befriended by a vampire girl. I don’t see what is so great about this story. It was more like a Sunday afternoon movie about first loves than anything horror. So the girl has a bad habit of killing people and drinking their blood? Don’t we all have some bad habits? How many inane vampire stories can I tolerate! Let me OUT!

Dread (2009)
This film took quite a bit of time to make you familiar with some likeable characters, just to chop ’em all up and destroy them at the end. The thing about torture movies like Hostel and I Spit on Your Grave, that makes them worth watching, is the victim/hero finally gets revenge in the end, and we cheer when the sadist/torturer meets his demise. The ending of this film was just too dismal and after all that time (over an hour) of character development, the ending just doesn’t pay off. The dread comes when you realize you spent nearly 2 hrs. watching this dreadful movie.

The Presence (2010)
If I wanted lingering shots of the countryside lake and the beautiful wooded cabin interior, I would have watched some vacation/holiday home videos. A ghost appears but just stands there. He doesn’t look like a ghost – he looks like a person. He never does anything, am I supposed to be scared? The woman’s boyfriend shows up at the cabin, they argue, they bicker. They bore me to death – maybe I’m a ghost now.