Sour Grapes, spit ‘em out! – movie reviews

Sour Grapes, spit ‘em out! – movie reviews

A list of bad movies I’ve seen recently – and short reviews on each film. Some of these are not too bad but have some major problems in them.

Of course, this is just my opinion. Actual results may vary.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)
This is another film that would have been better as a half hour episode of the Twilight Zone or perhaps an hour long MOH. The paradoxical and enigmatic ending was so damn good, too bad it had such a sucky movie attached to it. A group of investigators decide to follow the path that led to a whole town disappearing in the 1940’s. When they set off on this trail into the deep woods of New Hampshire, things get creepy. Compasses don’t work and they can’t get their baring from the stars. They hear music from the 1940’s somewhere in the distance but never reach it. The group begins to break down emotionally and fights break out. Eventually they are murdering each other. It sounds pretty good, right? Well, it was dragged out for so long before anything happened that the suspense turned to boredom and I lost interest. Trim 40 minutes of this film, in particular, the endless walking and stupid bickering, and get back to me- I‘ll put it on my like list.

The Innkeepers (2011)
The deliberate pacing and retro-style that worked so well for Ti West in House of the Devil fell flat here. We are left with a long-winded yarn that makes one yawn, about a new nightshift worker at the Yankee Peddler Inn. It was like watching an episode of Seinfeld without the comedy. We watch the clerk engage in mundane dealings like, ordering diner, fiddling around on her laptop, talking on the phone and doing laundry. There are a few creepy scenes here and there but not nearly enough to sustain a full-length movie. Finally, the ghost does appear but she’s not so scary and the ambiguous ending leaves you wanting more. Maybe the ghost killed the girl, maybe she died because of her own imagination causing an asthma attack; by that time, I really didn’t care either way.

Feast II (2008)
The characters in this film are so badass and cool … actually, they’re ridiculous and un-empathetic. I couldn’t care less if they lived or died. Does this director think he’s Tarantino? Only Tarantino (and perhaps a few others) can create bad-guy characters that are so charismatic you wind up liking them. That was what they tried to do in this film and failed miserably. What a waste of time.

Altered (2006)
Oh, I get it. This is a horror/alien/comedy/revenge style movie with a group of guys trying to strike back at the alien that killed their friend many years ago. They tie it up and keep it captive in the garage while they decide exactly what they should do next, unfortunately, they don’t do anything but argue about it. I got a good idea, they should turn on a TV and change the channel, so we can all watch something different.

Inkubus (2011)
A guy walks into the police precinct and confesses to a horrific murder(I know sounds like a bad joke; A guy walks into a bar…). There is some good intellectual banter in this film – sharp dialogue between the suspect and the detectives assigned to the murder. It is enjoyable to see Robert Englund in a role without all the make-up. Unfortunately, this film starts off strong but goes nowhere. What is the deal with this character? He is supposed to be some kind of demon but he disappears and reappears with a white spark and flash. I felt like I was watching Bewitched or Tinkerbell. You couldn’t make some fire and black smoke effects? Also, an incubus (and/or succubus) is a demon that is sexual in nature. Anyone that knows anything about horror knows that. It’s like they picked the title for this film out of a hat, regardless of whether or not it had anything to do with the film. What, was Werewolf taken?

Bad Dog! Gotta’ put ‘em down! – movie reviews

A list of bad movies I’ve seen recently:

I was wondering why I have reviewed so little movies recently, despite the fact that I watch 2 or 3 movies per week. Then I realized that not many of them are any good. They’re not bad enough to motivate me into a tirade but not good enough to inspire me to write about them. Anyways, here’s the list, and the skinny on each film.

Just to be warned, the DVD box covers and posters are scarier than the films. Naturally, this is just my opinion, actual results may vary.

Hollow (2012)
There is no reason for it to be a found footage film; the story could have been told more effectively without all the shaky camera and POV. Even among FF films it was sub-par – the shots cut every 8 seconds – are you telling me someone videotaping is going to have that many cuts in their footage? No way! There is a giant old tree with a legend/back-story on this young woman’s family property – something about the spirit in the tree makes people commit suicide. I wanted to commit suicide about halfway through this movie.

Intruders (2012)
This started out decent, a reaper looking entity stalking a young boy in his apartment in Spain. Then we switch to a family in England and a little girl seeing the same entity. Then the film switches back and forth a half dozen times between these two stories with no explanation. The suspense and creepiness established in the 1st scene falls by the wayside… so does my patience. Didn’t get to the end. Fell asleep, then turned it off. Never looked back.

Let Me In (2010)
A young boy, who is often bullied, is befriended by a vampire girl. I don’t see what is so great about this story. It was more like a Sunday afternoon movie about first loves than anything horror. So the girl has a bad habit of killing people and drinking their blood? Don’t we all have some bad habits? How many inane vampire stories can I tolerate! Let me OUT!

Dread (2009)
This film took quite a bit of time to make you familiar with some likeable characters, just to chop ’em all up and destroy them at the end. The thing about torture movies like Hostel and I Spit on Your Grave, that makes them worth watching, is the victim/hero finally gets revenge in the end, and we cheer when the sadist/torturer meets his demise. The ending of this film was just too dismal and after all that time (over an hour) of character development, the ending just doesn’t pay off. The dread comes when you realize you spent nearly 2 hrs. watching this dreadful movie.

The Presence (2010)
If I wanted lingering shots of the countryside lake and the beautiful wooded cabin interior, I would have watched some vacation/holiday home videos. A ghost appears but just stands there. He doesn’t look like a ghost – he looks like a person. He never does anything, am I supposed to be scared? The woman’s boyfriend shows up at the cabin, they argue, they bicker. They bore me to death – maybe I’m a ghost now.