The 5 Worst Horror Remakes

The 5 Worst Horror Remakes

Remakes, reboots, whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same.

Naturally, for Hollywood, the only reason for a remake is $$$$. Selling tickets without having to do the work of promoting it because us horror fans are dumb and we’ll buy anything that sounds familiar.

To reiterate:
To me, there are only three reasons to do a remake.

1 – special effects improvements – advancements in film and effects technology will make the film visually appealing to a modern audience.
2 – expand the storyline – modernizing a film and bring it to date with the moods, opinions, and conscience of the changing world views.
3 – make a better film – an old b-movie can often be remade into a summer blockbuster or serious representative of its genre.

The following films failed on all counts!

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The 5 Worst horror movie Remakes of all time:

1 – The Fog (2005) – total garbage, waste of plastic.

2 – Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – this isn’t even as good as the TV series… and that sucked!

3 – Planet of the Apes (2001) – Good looking apes, I’ll give you that, but not nearly as powerful as the original with its allegory sentiments and mind-blowing surprises.

4 – Texas Chainsaw 3D – (2013) –  Leatherface, the hero? Give me a f***ing break!

5 – Evil Dead (2013) – one big giant plot-hole dunked in a sh*t hole.

     

Dishonorable mentions:

Carnival of Souls (1998) – Incoherent drivel!

Fright Night (2013) – ooh, more sparkly vampires! Just what we needed.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2011) – Boring, snooze-fest.

  

(click on dvd covers to see reviews in original posts)

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But that is not the end folks, Hollywood has planned or is in production for the following remakes and reboots in the coming year(s):

Cujo

Beetlejuice

Chucky / Child’s Play

The Crow

Gremlins

Poltergeist

Weird Science

Suspiria

An American Werewolf in London

Angel Heart

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

It

Jacobs Ladder

Rosemary’s Baby

Scanners

The Changeling

Creature From The Black Lagoon

The Entity

The Gate

The Fly

The Monster Squad

Videodrome

Pet Sematary

Mad Max

The Orphanage

Barbarella

WarGames

The Birds

Escape From New York

Westworld

I’m sure there’s others, add to my list of remakes Hollywood is working on.
Also, let me know your most hated remakes!

The Horror Movie Watcher… peeves part II

The Horror Movie Watcher… peeves part II
MORE things that annoy me:
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What’s in a name? part I –

The never ending sequel parade. Few sequels are as good as the original. Some franchises work well as a series of movies: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, James Bond, etc. Some do not, but that doesn’t stop Hollywood from riding the cash cow into the dirt. (Halloween, Wrong Turn, Pumpkinhead, Children of the Corn, Hellraiser, Friday the 13^th, Nightmare on Elm) Just say NO! to lousy sequels.

  
  

What’s in a name? part II –

The never ending remake parade. I can see doing a remake if a film was shot on a low budget, was in B&W, or is over 50 years old and can really benefit from an update. War of the Worlds, Ghost Ship, Willard, The Blob, and The Thing (1982), all benefited from remakes. Most movies do not. Some actually infuriated me: The Fog, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Haunting, Carnival of Souls, and Fright Night, are all unwatchable remakes. And, I won’t even mention Evil Dead 2013 again.

   

Tired old themes-

There are some film ideas that should be put to rest forever. Three Musketeers. Tarzan. Dick Tracy. Flash Gordon, Buck Rogers, Bonnie & Clyde to name a few. Early in film history, these were very popular subjects and each had several films of varying success on them. It is  – over – for these subjects. Every few years someone in Hollywood tries to resurrect these franchises. Adults would rather watch the old films and kids are not interested in these themes anymore – give ‘em up! (Although, I must say, I thought it was over for swashbuckling Pirate movies too and I was proved wrong). I would certainly put The Lone Ranger into this category. We will see if the star power of Johnny Depp can pull this tired old theme out of retirement.

       

QUESTION:
So, what tired, cliché, overused and abused themes and subjects do you think should be put to rest?

The Remake Scoreboard – More Classic horror remakes

The Remake Scoreboard – Horror movie remakes – the good and bad list and a few sentences why.

More Classic horror remakes

Fright Night (2011) (original 1985)
The original melodramatic horror/comedy hybrid about the paranoid teen who thinks his neighbor is a vampire is a favorite of anyone who lived through the 1980’s. Equal parts suspense, laughs and special FX, keeps me watching even to this day. When Peter Vincent, played sublimely by Rody McDowell, accidentally discovers Jerry Dandridge to be an actual vampire, (not seeing him in his mirror), it makes for a fantastic pivotal scene. The new one is not funny (not even “McLovin” can save the comedy aspect of this film), is not suspenseful, and is full of unrealistic decisions made by its characters. Plot holes are big enough to bury a vampire (movie) in.

I Spit On Your Grave (2010) (original 1978)
There should be no complaints about this remake, unless you just dislike the whole notion of remakes. I think this film is as good as the original. I don’t mind a remake if it is done well and this one is. The rape scene in this film is unnerving (as it was in the original) and leaves you with a dreadful feeling. It isn’t until the victim plots and executes her revenge that you can shake off that misery. And let me tell you, the revenge scenes in this remake are spectacularly horrifying and nasty. I may give the slight edge to the original, only because of the minimalist way it was filmed but if you were a fan of the original, or if you’re a fan of revenge driven horror, I would recommend that you see this one too.

Carnival of Souls (1998) (original 1962)
I was never a big fan of the original but found it entertaining in a low-budget, art house kind of style. I assumed the remake would close some of the plot holes and be a more coherent film. But at every turn this film asks us to believe nonsensical actions from its characters. Inane dialogue, horrible acting, miscasting with almost every character, and slow…put me to sleep, scenes that lead nowhere. How could such good concepts lead to this ill conceived, poorly executed dribble? Not even the (g-rated) sex-scene could get me interested. Boring!

Psycho (1998) (original 1960)
Director, Gus Van Sant, set out to film a shot-by-shot remake of the Alfred Hitchcock classic, adhering strictly to the script, right down to small details including framing and shot time-lengths. He kept the original score (re-recorded by Danny Elfman) which is really only one theme used at perfect times to really ramp up the tension. Anne Heche’ plays the part of Marion perfectly and has a great look for this modern retelling. And, while Vince Vaughn portrays Norman Bates to the smallest detail, including inflections and pauses in sentences, it is not the same as Perkins’s portrayal. Early in the film when Anthony Perkins lets out a small nervous chuckle, you feel the depth of his character. Not only do you feel the nervousness of talking to a beautiful woman, you also feel that he is hiding something terrible behind that innocent façade. Anthony Perkins is synonymous with Norman Bates character which makes the original version irreplaceable.

Last House on the Left (2009) (original 1972)
This remake was not bad at all. There were so many things that I did not like about the original: bad acting, plot holes, things not explained that should have been. The remake just makes more sense. It explained the bad guy’s motives and it made me empathized with the young kid that wanted no part of this nasty stuff. The revenge scenes by the parents were just as good (watch the unrated version for extra tidbits) and all the characters were totally believable.
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previous ‘remake scoreboard’ – Creature Features