The 5 Worst Horror Remakes

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The 5 Worst Horror Remakes

Remakes, reboots, whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same.

Naturally, for Hollywood, the only reason for a remake is $$$$. Selling tickets without having to do the work of promoting it because us horror fans are dumb and we’ll buy anything that sounds familiar.

To reiterate:
To me, there are only three reasons to do a remake.

1 – special effects improvements – advancements in film and effects technology will make the film visually appealing to a modern audience.
2 – expand the storyline – modernizing a film and bring it to date with the moods, opinions, and conscience of the changing world views.
3 – make a better film – an old b-movie can often be remade into a summer blockbuster or serious representative of its genre.

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The following films failed on all counts!

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The 5 Worst horror movie Remakes of all time:

1 – The Fog (2005) – total garbage, waste of plastic.

2 – Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – this isn’t even as good as the TV series… and that sucked!

3 – Planet of the Apes (2001) – Good looking apes, I’ll give you that, but not nearly as powerful as the original with its allegory sentiments and mind-blowing surprises.

4 – Texas Chainsaw 3D – (2013) –  Leatherface, the hero? Give me a f***ing break!

5 – Evil Dead (2013) – one big giant plot-hole dunked in a sh*t hole.

the-fog nightmare-elm-street-1 planet-of-the-apes 2001  texas-chainsaw-3d evil_dead_2013

Dishonorable mentions:

Carnival of Souls (1998) – Incoherent drivel!

Fright Night (2013) – ooh, more sparkly vampires! Just what we needed.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2011) – Boring, snooze-fest.

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(click on dvd covers to see reviews in original posts)

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But that is not the end folks, Hollywood has planned or is in production for the following remakes and reboots in the coming year(s):

Cujo

Beetlejuice

Chucky / Child’s Play

The Crow

Gremlins

Poltergeist

Weird Science

Suspiria

An American Werewolf in London

Angel Heart

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

It

Jacobs Ladder

Rosemary’s Baby

Scanners

The Changeling

Creature From The Black Lagoon

The Entity

The Gate

The Fly

The Monster Squad

Videodrome

Pet Sematary

Mad Max

The Orphanage

Barbarelladog-pooping

WarGames

The Birds

Escape From New York

Westworld

I’m sure there’s others, add to my list of remakes Hollywood is working on.
Also, let me know your most hated remakes!

Evil Dead (2013) – Movie Review – part 3

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Evil Dead (2013)  – Movie Review – part 3

Aka: 50 reasons why the new Evil Dead Movie SUCKS! Part 3

***This review is a total spoiler, please do not read if you intend to see the film. ***

This post contains Reasons 41 – 50, on why the new Evil Dead movie sucks!

If you haven’t read reasons 1 – 26, click here:
Evil Dead  Remake sucks reasons 1 – 26

If you haven’t read reasons 27 – 40, click here:
Evil Dead  Remake sucks reasons 27 – 40

Reasons 41 thru 50 are visual comparisons. Very simple. Pic the one that looks scarier, more grotesque, more atmospheric. Pic the one that you would take with you to the desert island if you could only take one.

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The Necronomicon:
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Winner: Evil Dead 1981

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The Cabin

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the-evil-dead-the cabin 1981

Winner: Evil Dead 1981

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Deadite in the Cellar

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Evil-Dead cellar guest 1981

Big eyes – vs. – No eyes

Winner: Evil Dead 1981no eyes or just whites is always scarier

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Removing limbs

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Evil-Dead-lopping limbs 1981

Winner: Evil Dead 1981

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Hero /Heroine

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Heroin Heroine – vs. – love struck loser

Winner: Love Struck Loser

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Bloody Hero

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The new guy – vs. – Ash

Winner: Ash, come on!

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Motivation

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evil dead romance - 1981 

I did it for my sister – vs. – I did it for love

Winner: Ash

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Possessed girl number 2

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evildead possessed girl 2 1981

Crawling friend – vs. – ugly possessed sister

Winner: Evil Dead 1981possessed sister’s face is just disturbing

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Friends in need

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evildead friend 1981 

Friend turns into a whining bitch
– vs. –
Friend turns into a snaggle-toothed demon

No contest ! 1981

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Deadite in the cellar – pic 2

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the-evil-dead cellar guest pic 2 1981

Both creepy looking but…

Winner: Evil Dead 1981 – Crusty, no-eyed, blue-face just creeps me out more.

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So, some may ask, why? Why would I go psycho on this remake when I seemed to have given a pass on Texas Chainsaw and many other remakes that have been just as cookie cutter, Hollywood formula, insta-hits?

The answer is I’m SICK OF IT!

I had been duped into thinking this film was going to be a remake worthy of carrying the name of the original, but it wasn’t. Unfortunately, Hollywood will continue to drain our pockets by selling crap, wrapped in familiar packaging. I’m tired of seeing the movies I love get dragged through the mud by lame sequels and inferior remakes.

I had asked someone about Pumpkinhead the other day. She told me that she didn’t like those movies. Further investigation revealed that she NEVER SAW the original Pumpkinhead and her whole opinion of it was based on some lousy, cheap sequels. THE ORIGINAL is the only important one. And I couldn’t even convince her to watch it because her mind is made up, forever.

In no way am I saying the original Evil Dead 1981 is perfect and doesn’t have flaws. The difference is that it was so original when it came out, we didn’t have the time to think about the faults. We were just shell-shocked, amazed and in horrific wonderment at the spectacle. US horror films have lost all of their originality. The best stories, films, and ideas are coming from other countries these days. (France, Australia, New-Zealand, Asian countries)

Just give me something original, damn-it! Is that too much to ask?

Evil Dead (2013) – Movie Review – part II

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Evil Dead (2013)  – Movie Review – part II

Aka: 50 reasons why the new Evil Dead Movie SUCKS! Part II

***This review is a total spoiler, please do not read if you intend to see the film. ***

This post contains Reasons 27 – 40, on why the new Evil Dead movie sucks!

If you haven’t read reasons 1 – 26, click here:
Evil Dead  Remake sucks reasons 1 – 26

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Okay, I had asked another reviewer, did it really need to be named, Evil Dead? My contention is that Hollywood loves to hijack branded names, just so they can make the biggest buck the quickest way possible and they don‘t even care if they are actual “remakes“ or have anything in common with the originals.

I think if Rob Zombie’s, Halloween was not named Halloween, a lot more people would have liked and respected it. With the Friday the 13th remake, if you had changed the mask and didn’t call the camp grounds, “Crystal Lake” it could have been a brand new movie. On the other hand, War of the Worlds was definitely close to the book and could not have been called anything else. Same with Willard (both of which I thought were great remakes).

So, my reasons 27 – 33 are based on the decision to call this Evil Dead rather than, let’s say, Horror in the Woodlands, or something like that.

Did it really need to be called, Evil Dead?
The answer is… No!

The reasons to call it Evil Dead don’t hold up.

27) A cabin in the woods  – is in no less than 30 other horror movies.

28) The Necronomicon – is in no less than 18 movies. Besides they didn’t even call it the Necronomicon in this one.

29) Possessed women? At least 28 films have possessed women, many of which have been made in the last 10 years.

30) A Chainsaw? There’s at least 10 movies with the word ‘chainsaw’ in the title, alone!

31) Cut off your own arm? Even a non-horror film has that in it, ‘127 Hours.’

32) Evil entity in the woods – there’s a film every weekend on the Scy-Fy channel with this theme.

33) Pays homage to the first film – the movie Cabin In the Woods was a better tribute to the original Evil Dead than this remake.

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Reasons 34 – 40 are comparisons to the original Evil Dead

Before I go on from here, we have to make a clear distinction between Evil Dead and Evil Dead II. The original Evil Dead was a more serious film with a straight forward horror style. It contained only two or three real ‘comedy gags’ in the whole film. (Ash does not cut off his hand in the 1st film). ED II was more campy, funny and purposely leaning into dark comedy territory. If you have not seen the original Evil Dead in a while, it is time for a revisit. I watched it last night 🙂

34) The original Evil Dead had some serious atmosphere and suspense. The cabin, the mist, the dead trees all around the cabin delivered a foreboding, and you knew it was ‘wrong’ from the moment the group arrived. The new Evil Dead had NO atmosphere to speak of. Wanting to keep full tilt action in the remake also garnered very little actual suspense. Suspense is often created by the lull preceding a scary action or event and the anticipation of something about to happen.

35) Some claim the new Evil Dead is the goriest film they’ve ever seen. I think the original was gorier! Why? Pencil in the Achilles tendon, ‘nuff said!

36) Some claim the new Evil Dead was the bloodiest film. The original had Ash lop off his resurrected girlfriend’s head with a shovel and her body come to rest on top of him, squirting blood from her neck, right into his face! Blood from the rain doesn’t count, besides the band Slayer did that in live shows years ago!

37) The new one had a knot of tree branches crawl up Mia’s skirt. The original had a thick tree branch…uh… I can’t even talk about it. The whole scene in the original was just so much more disturbing.

38) The new one had a girl cutting her face with a piece of glass. The original had Ash stick his thumbs into a deadites eyes and all the way into its blood spewing skull.

39) The sound construction and composition in the original was half of the creepiness. The low hum as something unseen moved through the woods, the voices of the deadites, the jarring volume of slamming storm-shutters on the windows. All of these aspects made the original Evil Dead a better sounding film.

40) In the original, the deadite in the basement makes fun of the survivors – this to me is the ultimate evil, to have such a disregard for life that it would mock survivors – seems like something true evil would do. “I don’t wanna’ die! I don’t wanna’ die!”

Okay, hope ya’all enjoying this so far.
Tune in soon for my dramatic conclusion – reasons 41 thru 50

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Evil Dead (2013) -Movie Review-part one

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Evil Dead (2013)  – Movie Review
Aka: 50 reasons why the new Evil Dead Movie SUCKS!

***This review is a total spoiler, please do not read if you intend to see the film. ***

After reading some reviews I was actually getting excited and looking forward to this re-boot of the classic Evil Dead. What I was assured of was a more serious horror film than ED II, and one with no CGI, both aspects which I could embrace. I got the impression that I might see something really scary and frightening. What I got was a lot of gore which had the ability to create tension, make me squeamish, but was quickly forgotten once the scene was removed from my field of vision. I can get the same effect from cutting a worm in two or accidentally stepping on a slug in my bare feet.

Once again: SPOILER ALERT !

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First the good things:

The film managed to build tension, not because of suspense or atmosphere, but because of the gore and the squirm inducing actions of the possessed characters.

Good scenes:

Girl cuts off her own face with a broken mirror shard –  I was writhing in my seat knowing what she was doing and hearing the squishy sound of the whole event.

Other girl cuts off her arm with a meat carver/electric knife – This was well done in the special-effects department. Once again, the tendency was to turn away, but much like road kill, you wanted to see – to see how much they were gonna’ show. Then, when the guys run in to the room and her arm is hanging there by a few viscous threads of flesh and muscle… bravo. I’m sufficiently grossed out! (But they didn’t even show the whole event, why?)

The final scenes – high-action, thriller, sequences –  Our heroine stuck in a tight space between the walls as a huge machete punches through the wall at different intervals, coming ever closer to her face. Well done! But, not much different than we’ve seen in the newest Texas Chainsaw, (or 100 other films since Michael Myers began jabbing his knife though the closet door that Laurie Strode was hiding in.)

Ash’s Car is a junk car in the back of the cabin – Nice nod to the original.
evil-dead-1973-oldsmobile-delta-88 Evil-Dead-2013 Jane-Levy-

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Okay, now the problems:

When I watch a film, I can excuse a few plot holes, incongruence’s, disconnects, and nonsensical things. For example, I own every Godzilla film ever made – you gotta’ have a lot of patience to enjoy some of them Godzilla flicks. But, when an otherwise serious film, made for adults, starts to stack up these inconsistencies, one-on-top-of-another, my belief in the film is lost – the plot, characters, and empathy with the situation collapses. A few of these and I would not have noticed. It was the mounting accumulation of them that ruined the film for me.

I hate to rain on you’re “praise of the new Evil Dead film” parade, but here goes…. (you’re not gonna’ like this!)

Hope you get a laugh out of some of these, I certainly did!

And now for my 50 reasons:

1) I have met and seen my share of drug addicts – there is no way a junkie is saving half a bag of smack so she can throw it down a well. That sh*t would have been done in in the car-ride on the way to the cabin!

2) I know these 20-somethings are on an important mission here, but they are a seriously miserable bunch of dreary-faces. None of them even cracks a smile, a joke, nothing… no wonder this poor girl does drugs!

3) Long-haired character dude is clearly upset and disturbed by the evidence of the black rituals that had taken place down the basement. He brings the ‘book’ upstairs, studies it, gets to a part that says, “Don’t read this,” and what does he do? He reads it …

4) Early in the film, the main character, Mia, crashes a car in a lake, gets out, and is then being chased by her possessed self. If she hasn’t been possessed yet, how is her possessed self chasing her???

5) Tree worm thing is a bit gross, but not all that scary.

6) They find Mia in the woods, bring her back to the cabin and are keeping a close eye on her. She is frightened/terrified. Her brother tells her to go take a shower, which she does. When exactly did she kill the dog with a hammer???

7) Need to make a possessed girl, just add boiling water – what book did that come from? I’ve been watching films, shows, and reading books, on witchcraft, spells, demon possessions and necromancy, for a lot of years and nowhere did it ever say, “Add boiling freaking’ water!”

8) Voice of possessed girl sounds like ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ taking a nasty dump! Not scary.

9) How many nails can you load into a nail gun, anyway?

10) Suddenly, there’s a huge roast beef for lunch, just so we can see it being carved with the electric carving knife. I call foul! Going to a cabin in the woods, you’re not bringing a giant roast beef – its hotdogs and burgers, man! and maybe some chicken! But that’s freakin’ it.

11) Everyone and everything is shooting each other with a nail gun. Nail Gun, Nail Gun, Nail Gun! When the brother goes to seal the cellar door, he uses a regular hammer!(wtf?)

12) When carving the roast, the carving blade is one size – carving off an arm, its suddenly 3x longer!

13) As long as you have duct tape, no one’s injuries mean anything. Stabbed in the heart? seal it with duct tape. Cut off an arm? seal it with duct tape. Sliced with a razor-knife, a broken mirror shard, seal it with duct tape. There, good as new, now lets go running around the cabin hunting possessed girlfriends.

14) Apparently, the brother’s job in Chicago gave him the knowledge of how to build a makeshift defibrillator using a car battery, jumper cables, two very large syringes (they’ve grown since seeing them earlier, too), and lots of duct tape.

15) The Brother empties the gas can all over the cabin to burn it down, two scenes later he shoots the (empty) gas can with a shotgun which blows up the cabin!

16) When 5 souls are collected, “the abomination” will rise from the ground. This was the biggest disappointment of the film. “The abomination”  was just another possessed dead body…that was easily killed with a chainsaw. (WTF!) that’s it? The Ultimate anti-climax.

17) Furthermore, there were not even 5 souls, If Mia was back to life, it still only had 4 souls. (can somebody please explain this fuzzy math!)

18) The intact necklace that Mia picks up at the end of the film was clearly broken to pieces several scenes earlier.

19) Mia is being chased by “the abomination” and is stuck in the tool shed. She picks up the chainsaw and there’s no gas in it. So, she bangs a shelf-unit with her foot and a small bottle of gas (it’s marked gas right on it in big letters) falls right into her hands. Foul! Hokey Hollywood cliché # 1!

20) If you got a big red gas can (see #15), why is there gas in a small water bottle, marked gas, out in the shed?

21) Mia gets her arm stuck under a tipped-over car. She pulls really, really hard and it breaks off, oh yeah? Tell that to James Franco – it took him 127 f***ing hours!

22) Now free from the offending car she was pinned under, she walks around like nothing happened and even has the sensibilities to make snarky comments at “the abomination”.

23) Hokey Hollywood cliché #2 – the climatic one-liner. Mia, before finally chopping “the abomination” in half with the chainsaw says, “Feast on this Mother F***er!” Really? That was tired when Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis said it for the thousandth time in the early 1980’s (okay, they didn’t say those exact words but things very similar).

24) lets back track to the beginning. Bunch a hillbillies break into someone else’s cabin, set up a whole alter with hanging dead cats, and kill a girl (alright she was possessed) then leave behind all the evidence for someone else to find? Including the book that starts the whole mess in the 1st place??? That’s hard to swallow.

25) They have a shower scene and the girl keeps all her clothes on!!! How do you f*ck up a shower scene???

26) They clean up and fix up the cabin for what seems like hours, but no one moved the throw rug? Suddenly the brother picks up the rug and dah-dah-dah! Gasp! There’s a cellar door, gulp.

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That’s reasons 1 thru 26, and I haven’t even compared it to the original… yet.

But I will, in my next installment of…
50 reasons why the new Evil Dead movie sucks! part II
(insert sinister laugh here)

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