GUEST BLOG POST: Eddie D. Shackleford
Hide Here! Rooms Least Likely to Get You Killed
Our homes are our sanctuaries. They are where we go to relax, keep our belongings, and most importantly, protect ourselves from the terrors outside. Unfortunately, it’s hard to do the latter when horror movie killers, creatures, and other things that go bump in the night decide to make themselves welcome in our homes. Once inside, they leave victims few places to hide.
Here are the rooms of the typical house which will give you the best chance of survival—from the worst to the best—should you find yourself in the company of a threatening, unwelcome guest in your home.
Topping off the list as the room with probably the most death tolls in all of horror cinema is the bedroom. It’s a tasty choice for many a killer because it’s the usual place we go when we are at our most vulnerable—sleepy time. Killers know that while we’re sawing logs we’re oblivious to their creaking footsteps or the ominous shadow they cast over our bed.
Friday the 13th
For those actually lucky enough to be awake, the bedroom is also home to the ever popular hiding under the bed or in the closet. Bad move. You can expect the menace to thoroughly check both of those spots, if they didn’t crawl out of one of them to begin with.
With no way of defending ourselves, the bedroom is the undisputed leader in certain death. Sleep tight.
The bathroom is another terrible choice for several reasons.
First, people only use bathrooms to do a few things—all of which leave us exposed and defenseless. Spooks thrive on this. They get a kick out of being behind folks when we shut the medicine cabinet.
Second, hiding in the bathroom leaves you trapped. Most bathrooms have only one entrance, which, of course, is also the only way out. Furthermore, they are generally small; leaving little range of motion should you pry off the shower rod to use as a weapon.
Movie: Dawn of the Dead
If you are going to use the bathroom to hide, at least check behind the shower curtain upon entering.
Not every home has both, so we’re lumping these two dark, cob-web-ridden rooms together. If you do have both, that’s unfortunate. You’ve just halved your chances of survival.
Basements and attics are, by nature, the creepiest places in the house. They contain boxes of cursed family artifacts, possessed dolls, magic books, skeletal remains, and a hodgepodge of other things that should generally be avoided.
Sadly, people are all too curious, snooping around despite the creaky boards, lack of light, and cats jumping out of corners—awakening demons, restless spirits, and ghouls in the process.
Movie: Evil Dead
If you’re going to hide in the basement or attic, just know that you’ll probably have to return there to send your killer back to the nether from whence they came.
While the Kitchen has been the scene for many grizzly deaths, it’s usually because of victim’s lack of intelligence rather than lack of resources.
For instance, though the kitchen doesn’t have much room for hiding, it provides useful tools to help combat the attacker such as knives, pans, blenders, you name it.
Kitchens in larger homes often have multiple exit points for quick escape. And if you’re lucky enough to have doors to the kitchen, lock them, hunker down, and wait out the killer. You’ll have plenty of food and water.
Watch out for tile and spilled blood. That’s a good way to slip and slow you down.
Should you have the chance to make it to the garage, you’re doing ok. Not too many victims in horror have drawn their last breath in the domestic carport. A deserved exception can be seen in Scream.
Movie: Paranormal Activity 4
Your chances of survival improve dramatically if your power hasn’t been cut off yet, as there is a giant door ready to let you out into the free world. If your power is out and you can’t reach the manual lever to the garage door, fear not! The garage is essentially an armory, with weed whackers, hedge trimmers, shovels, and other makeshift weapons at your disposal.
Check out how resourceful the heroine is in Paranormal Activity 4, when trapped in the garage. The whole series, which is probably now on demand with most cable and satellite providers, actually provides a good case study on good and bad places to hide in the home.
1. Laundry Room
If you find yourself in the laundry room during a horror movie home invasion, congratulations! You’ve chosen the best place to hide.
What the laundry room lacks in space and defenses, it makes up for in the sheer fact that hardly anyone would think to look there. Plus, who wants to get all those nice linens all bathed in red? No one, that’s who. Not even killers and monsters.
Bonus points if you’re small enough to fit in the dryer. Just hope the killer doesn’t turn it on.
At the end of the day, there’s a good chance none of these places will keep you safe forever. But know that some are better than others and you should choose wisely before deciding to stake out in one.
And as for the bedroom— it’s best you just make it another laundry room. No one will be the wiser.
AUTHOR: Eddie D. Shackleford
BIO: Eddie is a TV, movie and entertainment blogger for direct4TV.com. Look to him for the scoop on hit movies and TV shows, sports, tech reviews, how-to’s, and more. You can follow Eddie @Eddie20Ford