Almost Human (2014) – Movie review

(not to get confused with Almost Human, the TV show)
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Almost Human (2014)

Directed by Joe Begos

Aliens are the new zombies! Actually, it hasn’t happened yet but I feel it coming. There’s a vast untapped resource for horror films in the alien encounter sector. We got a slight taste of it with VHS 2 and Alien Abduction but neither film sent this alien bubble into warp-drive. All we need is a real good alien encounter film with some original expansive ideas to lead the way. Unfortunately, Almost Human is not the one. I think the key to getting something worth buzzing about, is for the filmmakers to drop the ‘based on a true story’ angle. Trying to stick close to reality always holds the film back.Almost-Human-2013 - poster

The run-down: Mark is sucked up by a blue light in a rural area of Maine. The girlfriend goes on with her life and the close friend obsesses over it, often waking with nosebleeds (never explained). Mark shows up two years later, naked in the woods, and goes on a killing spree. He injects people with alien egg-sacs.

So your thinking, it starts off just like Fire in the Sky, but that’s not the problem. The problem is… it copy & pastes scenes and ideas from dozens of Horror films: the alien ‘scream’ from Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978), the ‘hide in the closet’ scene from Halloween, the ‘bloody worm crawling into someone’s mouth’ scene from Slither, the ‘cops kill the lone survivor ending’ from NotLD, plus parts from Pulp Fiction, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Friday the 13th. Perhaps they were just an homage, but if that were the case, they should have made it more obvious.

There’s an interesting scene where Mark attempts to impregnate his ex-girlfriend by implanting the egg in her you-know-what with his snorkel-face. For everyone else it was oral, why with her is it different? (women like oral too, so I’ve heard) But I watched, ’twas a nice shot of her shaved wahoo. The effects were quite good for a ‘dice and slice’ slasher film, which this was and wasn’t, and it was fun to watch these gags. But, the worst part of the film was, none of these characters were at all interesting. They were boring. Characters without character, no personality. If you watch it just for the gore effects, bloody kills and body count – it’s an ok, casual viewing. Almost Human is almost good.

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Nothing new in this alien encounter turned psycho slasher flick, but decent enough for gore-filled popcorn entertainment.

I give it 2.5 crusty cocoons out of 5 on the alien encounter egg infestation scale.